Man is the only animal that learns by being hypocritical. He pretends to be polite and then, eventually, he becomes polite.

Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful if some manufacturer would make a toy as tough, as staunch, as hard to crack open as the carton it comes in!

You can't sleep until noon with the proper elan unless you have some legitimate reason for staying up until three (parties don't count).

People only call you 'my dear' when they are irritated with you.

One of the most difficult things to contend with in a hospital is that assumption on the part of the staff that because you have lost your gall bladder you have also lost your mind.

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.

I think if you can write a play, or produce a play, the first step toward success [is] if people don't want to kill themselves in the lobby. Now there must be four or five other steps, but that's the first.