Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

Some people have such a talent for making the best of a bad situation that they go around creating bad situations so they can make the best of them.

Confronted by an absolutely infuriating review, it is sometimes helpful for the victim to do a little personal research on the critic. Is there any truth to the rumor that he had no formal education beyond the age of eleven? In any event, is he able to construct a simple English sentence? Do his participles dangle? When moved to lyricism, does he write "I had a fun time"? Was he ever arrested for burglary? I don't know that you will prove anything this way, but it is perfectly harmless and quite soothing.

I thought we talked things out!' 'Yes, and you listened very carefully to every word you had to say.

Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being skin deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?