Some enterprising youth should go from door to door on Christmas morning peddling batteries.

I will read anything rather than work.

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.

Some people have such a talent for making the best of a bad situation that they go around creating bad situations so they can make the best of them.

I have noticed that in plays where the characters on stage laugh a great deal, the people out front laugh very little.

Being on a ship is something like being pregnant. You can sit there and do absolutely nothing but stare at the water and have the nicest sense that you are accomplishing something.

Confronted by an absolutely infuriating review, it is sometimes helpful for the victim to do a little personal research on the critic. Is there any truth to the rumor that he had no formal education beyond the age of eleven? In any event, is he able to construct a simple English sentence? Do his participles dangle? When moved to lyricism, does he write "I had a fun time"? Was he ever arrested for burglary? I don't know that you will prove anything this way, but it is perfectly harmless and quite soothing.