It has been explained to me that toys are packaged in shards, to be assembled by the middle-aged and butter-fingered, because this makes it easier for the shippers. ... If they had to spend hours and hours putting handlebars onto bicycles ... they would repent their ways and deliver something that looked like a rocking horse and not like the result of a small street accident.

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on.

I don't grasp things this early in the day. I mean, I hear voices, all right, but I can't pick out the verbs.

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speak by something outside himself like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it.

Some enterprising youth should go from door to door on Christmas morning peddling batteries.