If I could make crazy money just doing stand-up, that's what I would do.

A lot of times that I'm single is not for a lack of anyone being interested; it's me.

I log out of Twitter on my computer so I have to log in and then I log back out.

That's the same thing that is making me like George W. Bush. "He was nice. I know he was nice. He didn't know what he was doing but he was nice."

I find it actually the height of romance to legally bind yourself to someone because you're really taking care of someone, and letting them take care of you. I actually have no cynicism about that.

You never know anymore if you'll see something you don't want to see, if you're jealous of something, if you're going through a breakup and you see something, so I just don't even look at those things any more [ in Instagram].

Let me say this. [Donald] Trump is the only person that has control over what Trump does. Maybe his supporters support him but they don't support every single thing about him. Maybe they are misguided about what it means to be friends with Russia. Maybe they come to my show and they never thought about sexism in the way that I talk about it in a joke.