I'm sure kids had masturbated by sixth grade. I had for sure.

If I could make crazy money just doing stand-up, that's what I would do.

I made a career goals list for 2017 and it's so funny. I have low self-esteem or something, so I put both wishes and goals. The goals were things I'm going to do anyway, because I have no choice because my job is to do stand-up comedy so I have to tour and I have to write stuff. The wishes were all things that could be goals. As in, I bet people who have achieved these things called them goals at one point. But I haven't looked at that piece of paper since.

I'll take anyone I can get that will pay money to see me. And if there's more of me in the world, people who think they're good people and comedians who have a good message or whatever, then that's great. If there's some kind of balance there that's good.

Have you ever seen the stereotype of the angry yoga teacher? There are some people that are at an 11 and yoga takes them down to a nine. That's me.

That's the same thing that is making me like George W. Bush. "He was nice. I know he was nice. He didn't know what he was doing but he was nice."

It's like, "Women can't handle things because they're always sad. That's estrogen." Men brag about testosterone, which makes them completely out of control too. On the other end of things, it's like, "Oh it was just testosterone. He got in a bar fight." Why is that better than crying at work?