Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.

Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be...herpes.

Point? Maybe you aren't a Carrie or a Samantha or a Charlotte or a Miranda. Maybe you're just you.

I’m busy sorting through our new collection of rhinestone jewelry. Should anyone be in the market for sparkly accessories the size of a hubcap, this is the place to get them. Earlier today, a customer picked up one of the enormous chandelier-style offerings and asked, 'Do those be genuine rhimestones?' I couldn’t even begin to explain everything that was wrong with her sentence, so I simply replied, 'Yes. They do be genuine.

Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw so as to not affront the Lord.

Fortunately, all it takes for us to be of one mind is some buttercream frosting.