I'm not lazy. I'm simply judicious about excess movement.

I've always been able to cook Italian food. That's in my blood because I'm half Sicilian.

You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.

I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.

I'm very detail oriented. I think that's why people enjoy my memoirs - because I tend to remember everything.

I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.

I’m instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that’s when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism. Even though I may come off like a stark raving asshat, being funny is the most important tool I have to stay sane. The ability to say what I think is the key to allowing me to feel in control.