I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the Ebola virus and you're about to sneeze.

Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his ear wax tastes like Turkish Delight. All we know is he’s called the Stig.

Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering while handling more than 170 is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling. Penguins. While making love. To a beautiful woman while on fire, on stage. In front of the Queen. It's all going to go wrong.

I started to realise that being impolite saves an awful lot of time and costs you nothing.

Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.

If a football official were to call for a slow-motion replay every time Didier Drogba fell over, each match would last about six weeks.