I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating tw*t

The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!

I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I'm in touch with my gay side as well.

If a football official were to call for a slow-motion replay every time Didier Drogba fell over, each match would last about six weeks.

Planet Earth thought it had £10. But it turns out we only had £2. Which means everyone must lose 80% of their wealth

All this health and safety talk is just killing me.

If I like somebody else's tribe I'm going to promote the hell out of it. The whole thing is a democracy, and if somebody's more popular then good luck to them.