Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

Planet Earth thought it had £10. But it turns out we only had £2. Which means everyone must lose 80% of their wealth

I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time.

We don't know how many people are watching The Grand Tour's - it's a closely guarded secret, we don't even know - the only thing we can do is make a program that we enjoy. And then hope that we're not so unusual that other people won't share our taste.

It's just thinking of funny things that will amuse us and entertain us and we'll come and do it.

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

If a football official were to call for a slow-motion replay every time Didier Drogba fell over, each match would last about six weeks.

Selling through the internet seems to be a very good idea. There are a million areas that we can go to.

She can take a year to read something, whereas I like a book that becomes more important in my life that life itself. When I was in the middle of 'Red Storm Rising' by Tom Clancy - which was not selected for the Man Booker shortlist - you could have taken my liver out and fed it to the dog. And I wouldn't have noticed.

I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating tw*t

If you were to buy a [BMW] 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside.

The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

If you go through the pearly gates backwards in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!

When we went to Canada [with Top Gear], I was staggered about how many people got in touch ... Before we finish with The Grand Tour, we'll definitely be appearing in Canada at some point. Nothing is more certain than that.

I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.

I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: Oh no, my head has just exploded!

If you're thinking of coming to America, this is what it's like: you've got your Comfort Inn, you've got your Best Western, and you've got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude - it's not a holiday programme, it's the truth.

I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

Unlike furious thin-lipped feminists, I tend not to draw distinctions between men and women, apart from in bed where you really do need to spot the difference.

We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.

...it seemed appropriate that I should develop some kind of illness. This is a good idea when you are at a loose end because everything, up to and including herpes, is better than being bored.

I wore a groove in the kitchen floor with endless trips to the fridge, hoping against hope that I had somehow missed a plateful of cold sausages on the previous 4,000 excursions. Then, for no obvious reason, I decided to buy a footstool.

Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

Why is the forecast so bland? Why instead of 'stormy' don't they just say the sea's 'a frothing maelstrom of terror and hopelessness'?

Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase, but this is like smearing honey onto Keira Knightley.

You know what, I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!

Cows eat grass and silage. This is melting the ice caps and killing us all. So they need a new foodstuff: something that is rich in iron, calcium and natural goodness. Plainly they cannot eat meat so here is an idea to chew on. Why not feed them vegetarians?

The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite

Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what BEING STABBED?

Being smarter than you look is better than looking smarter than you are.

Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.

Speed focuses the mind. It cuts through the fog of drab everyday living and keeps us on our toes. Speed works. Speed saves lives. Speed is good. And we should have more of it, not less.

I mean its a weekly occurrence that somebody will complain that Top Gear was on last night - and you just sit back and wait for the complaints. But if you start to pay attention to everyones concerns, you end up with something bland and boring. So you sort of have to ignore everybody in order to do the show how we want to do it.

Hollywood movies are designed for 15-year-old youths from North Dakota who, intellectually speaking, are on equal terms with a British zoo animal.

The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won’t let me turn the traction control off!

Do not cruise through red lights. Because if I'm coming the other way, I will run you down, for fun.

The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler

You're a car, but most of all, what you are, what you've become, is a mate. And that's what makes a car special. That's what makes a car great. You start to think of it as a person. You start to love it.

This is perfect for India because everyone who comes here gets the trots.

Because drug dealers shoot each other in London, Norfolk farmers can't have guns to defend their homes. I mean, no one wants a gun - except at 4am when they hear a strange sound in the kitchen.

.. international hand of freindship. A cigarette

When you've finished using a car, put the f***ing seat back, so humans can use it afterwards.

Biathletes need to eat 6.000 calories a day: six thousand! That's the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 TWIX bars. On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete!

I therefore have to use The Force. And weirdly, this doesn't work very well. I don't understand why, because on the last census, I put my religion down as Jedi Knight.

You have city centre pubs where men go to meet girls, not realising that all girls in city centre pubs have thighs like tug boats and morals that would surprise a zoo animal.

Ambition is a very dangerous thing because either you achieve it and your life ends prematurely, or you don't, in which case your life is a constant source of disappointment. You must never have ambition.

I'd just find a story in Canada and come and do it. Combine harvester banger - actually I've done that: banger racing up in Red Deer [in Alberta, for his 1998 doc series Extreme Machines].

If the Scottish want to break away, I shall stand on Hadrian's Wall with a teary handkerchief, and say: 'Good riddance to the lot of you, and take your stupid bagpipes with you.'

This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.