Capitalism is a great idea in theory, but in practice it just doesn't work.

If you just took everyone in the BNP and everyone who votes for them and shot them in the back of the head, there would be a brighter future for us all.

Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.

Why don't people just accept that life is sad and cheer up? After all, it's not going to last for ever.

It seems a shallow observation, but... the Tory Conference are not an attractive lot, are they? I mean, if all those people were born in the same village, you'd blame pollution, wouldn't you?

The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.

The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.