Capitalism is a great idea in theory, but in practice it just doesn't work.

Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.

Why don't people just accept that life is sad and cheer up? After all, it's not going to last for ever.

All socialists have bad backs because we slouch - except when we're watching the news when we sit on the edge of our seats, shout, and wave our arms. Generally we sit hunched, arms crossed in a judgemental way, the whole of our bodies pulled into a frown.

The need to compile lists is a personality disorder, as is the need to assert the superiority of some things over other things.

Most harm is done by people who are awake.

My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her You're eleven, make your own!