Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.

If you just took everyone in the BNP and everyone who votes for them and shot them in the back of the head, there would be a brighter future for us all.

Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.

The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.

Why don't people just accept that life is sad and cheer up? After all, it's not going to last for ever.

The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.

You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.