Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.

You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.

If you just took everyone in the BNP and everyone who votes for them and shot them in the back of the head, there would be a brighter future for us all.

Most harm is done by people who are awake.

It seems a shallow observation, but... the Tory Conference are not an attractive lot, are they? I mean, if all those people were born in the same village, you'd blame pollution, wouldn't you?

The need to compile lists is a personality disorder, as is the need to assert the superiority of some things over other things.

The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.