When I would be myself, I was being big-headed. I was being egotistical. I was a megalomaniac, when it really was just having not to be a monkey for a few hours a day. And fulfilling the need to be a man.

The day you're born, you get the pink slip on YOU. Outright ownership. You must only share that life with those that you and only you choose.

The young man who's had the Guggenheim fortune behind him all his life - he can hire all the authorities on the subject to teach him how to do a monologue, but he's never going to have the right stuff to pull it off. If he doesn't walk out onstage needing to walk out there, he doesn't have a dream of doing well.

I don't want to be remembered. I want the nice words when I can hear them.

I have nothing against women. As a matter of fact there's something about them that I love, but I just can't put my finger on it.

I get paid for what most kids get punished for.

I've had great success being a total idiot.