I never tell an audience what they can expect. I never have and I never will. I'm an entertainer for 75 years.

I have nothing against women. As a matter of fact there's something about them that I love, but I just can't put my finger on it.

Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life.

If I found the cure for dystrophy tomorrow, I would do a telethon in four weeks for acute pain that in this country is a bigger problem than cancer, heart, sickle cell, anemia, name it. It is - it's hitting 70 million Americans.

I've had great success being a total idiot.

When I would be myself, I was being big-headed. I was being egotistical. I was a megalomaniac, when it really was just having not to be a monkey for a few hours a day. And fulfilling the need to be a man.

Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor.