I've had great success being a total idiot.

This is the pain pacemaker. I've got a battery under my skin. From that battery are two electrodes that go into the spine where they cut bone away to accommodate it. Now I put on the power here. If I have the pain, the stimulator starts. It's tingling, like when your foot falls asleep, you know?

Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life.

When I was onstage doing the work, adrenaline killed the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience.

I never tell an audience what they can expect. I never have and I never will. I'm an entertainer for 75 years.

Make film, shoot film, run film. Do something. Make film. Shoot anything.

From 1936 on, I have taken more falls than any other 20 comedians put together. From the time I was 21, I've taken them on everything from clay courts to cement to wood floors, coming off pianos, going out a two-story window, landing on Dean, falling into the rough. You do that and you're gonna have problems.