I get paid for what most kids get punished for.

I never got a formal education. So my intellect is my common sense. I don't have anything else going for me. And my common sense opens the door to instinct.

I never tell an audience what they can expect. I never have and I never will. I'm an entertainer for 75 years.

The day you're born, you get the pink slip on YOU. Outright ownership. You must only share that life with those that you and only you choose.

You may catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but you'll get them to work harder if you use a flyswatter.

Don't you understand how dramatic it is to be a comic? To be a fool, to get people to laugh at this show-off? Milton Berle could take Laurence Olivier and stick him under the table if he wanted to. And so could I.

Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life.