I have nothing against women. As a matter of fact there's something about them that I love, but I just can't put my finger on it.

The doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.'

Pity? You don't want to be pitied because you're a cripple in a wheelchair? Stay in your house!

I turned down 'Some Like It Hot.' See how smart I am? I felt I couldn't bring anything funny to it. The outfit was funny. I don't need to compete with the wardrobe.

For those who understand, no explaination is needed...For those who don't, none will do.

This is the pain pacemaker. I've got a battery under my skin. From that battery are two electrodes that go into the spine where they cut bone away to accommodate it. Now I put on the power here. If I have the pain, the stimulator starts. It's tingling, like when your foot falls asleep, you know?

You might as well like yourself; just think about all the time you're gonna have to spend with you.