From 1936 on, I have taken more falls than any other 20 comedians put together. From the time I was 21, I've taken them on everything from clay courts to cement to wood floors, coming off pianos, going out a two-story window, landing on Dean, falling into the rough. You do that and you're gonna have problems.

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

The doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.'

I've had great success being a total idiot.

When I was onstage doing the work, adrenaline killed the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience.

I never tell an audience what they can expect. I never have and I never will. I'm an entertainer for 75 years.

I tell young comics, 'Do you want this badly enough? It's there. But you have to go get it. And if you think I'm going to give you the key to the lock of that door, there is no key, there is no lock, and there is no door.'