From 1936 on, I have taken more falls than any other 20 comedians put together. From the time I was 21, I've taken them on everything from clay courts to cement to wood floors, coming off pianos, going out a two-story window, landing on Dean, falling into the rough. You do that and you're gonna have problems.

If you're an old pro, you know how well you're doing when you're doing it, and your inner government spanks you if you're not doing well.

Comedy is a man in trouble. And without it, there's no humor.

I turned down 'Some Like It Hot.' See how smart I am? I felt I couldn't bring anything funny to it. The outfit was funny. I don't need to compete with the wardrobe.

Make film, shoot film, run film. Do something. Make film. Shoot anything.

People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.

The doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.'