From 1936 on, I have taken more falls than any other 20 comedians put together. From the time I was 21, I've taken them on everything from clay courts to cement to wood floors, coming off pianos, going out a two-story window, landing on Dean, falling into the rough. You do that and you're gonna have problems.

You may catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but you'll get them to work harder if you use a flyswatter.

I have some very personal feelings about politics, but I don't get into it because I do comedy already.

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life.

A woman doing comedy doesn't offend me, but sets me back a bit. I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world.

Don't you understand how dramatic it is to be a comic? To be a fool, to get people to laugh at this show-off? Milton Berle could take Laurence Olivier and stick him under the table if he wanted to. And so could I.