Let's face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you really enjoying it is the maintenance. There's a tremendous amount of daily, weekly, monthly and yearly work that has to be done. From showering to open heart surgery, we're always doing something to ourselves. If your body was a used car, you wouldn't buy it.

People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine?

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?