When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.

Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.

Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going "Quit it."

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

I only do a show when there's somebody I want to talk to.