When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.