You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.

Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.