You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.

Let's face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you really enjoying it is the maintenance. There's a tremendous amount of daily, weekly, monthly and yearly work that has to be done. From showering to open heart surgery, we're always doing something to ourselves. If your body was a used car, you wouldn't buy it.

I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.