Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic.

You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.'

Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.

Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.