The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.

Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.

I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

Fear of success is one of the new fears I've heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we're running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.

What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?