The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.

One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down the street. It was like a revelation to me. I realized these guys don’t want to go back to work after lunch. But they’re going. That’s their job. If they can exhibit that level of dedication for that job I should be able to do the same. Trudge your ass in.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.