Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

In my world, the wronger something feels, the righter it is.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.