People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?

People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: "Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?"

You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.