Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Festivus for the Restivus!

That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Artists are always looking for new things and fresh ground and fresh air. If it feels new to me, there's a chance it'll feel new to the audience and we'll have found something.

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.