Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?

The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there.