There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.'

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.