You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.'

If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire

The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?