You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired.

I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?

The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.

We got the hot fudge on the bottom.... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you're eating your ice cream.

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.