I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.

There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles.

I have a problem with that silver medal. It's like, 'Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you're the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.'

All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'

People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.

I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired.

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.