I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.

If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Success is the enemy of comedy.

I think the answer is we all need a little help, and the coffee's a little help with everything — social, energy, don't know what to do next, don't know how to start my day, don't know how to get through this afternoon, don't know how to stay alert. We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.