Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.

Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.

I can't eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.