You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter...."

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

If people would only look to the cookie, all our problems would be solved.

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.