You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter...."

People don't just bump into each other and have sex. This isn't Cinemax.

Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

I can't eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.