Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?

All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.

It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"