Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?

All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.

The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.

One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down the street. It was like a revelation to me. I realized these guys don’t want to go back to work after lunch. But they’re going. That’s their job. If they can exhibit that level of dedication for that job I should be able to do the same. Trudge your ass in.

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!

Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.