The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.