The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away."

The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, "Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head." I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings.

I only do a show when there's somebody I want to talk to.

The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?