The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire

Pay attention; don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.