Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?

Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.

With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, 'We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President.'

Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.

Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive.