The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, "Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head." I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings.

You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter...."

If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.