The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going "Quit it."

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

There is nothing more rewarding than completing a goal you have set for yourself.