Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there.

I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.