Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.

The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.

If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire

You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?