Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

But I don't want to be a pirate!

See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.

I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.