It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.

Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.

I'll tell you one of the great activities is skateboarding. To learn to do a skateboard trick, how many times do you gotta get something wrong til you get it right? ...And you hurt yourself, and you learn to do that trick, now you got a life lesson. Every time I see those skateboard kids, I think 'those kids'll be alright.'