Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word ambulance was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, Well, isn't that clever. I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word ambulance behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.