Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

You can be passionate about anything.

You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.