I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.

People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.

Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you're comfortable with.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.

If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.

There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles.