I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.

I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings

Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.

I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

I love advertising because I love lying.

I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.

Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?