Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.

The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.

Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.

I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.