If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?

Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.