I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could just go, "Excuse me, I'm not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away."