But I don't want to be a pirate!

The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?

The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, "Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head." I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings.

So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid your brain can't even process the information. You're like: "What is this? What did you say?" "What did you say about giving out candy? Who's giving out candy?" "Everyone that we know is just giving out candy!"

You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.