If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter...."

The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.

I'll tell you one of the great activities is skateboarding. To learn to do a skateboard trick, how many times do you gotta get something wrong til you get it right? ...And you hurt yourself, and you learn to do that trick, now you got a life lesson. Every time I see those skateboard kids, I think 'those kids'll be alright.'

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids.