If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman's exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.

There is no more embarrassing thing in my life than the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, 'I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.'

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.