I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.