I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.

Pay attention; don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.

A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.

I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.